Its well past midnight, and as I sit on my bed there’s the moon, a huge big crescent outside my window. As big as I have never seen before, and as beautiful as I have never imagined ever.
Most of the nights when I open my eyes, I find the moon outside my window, looking over me, unbelievably huge, unbelievably mystical, unbelievably magical – face to face, staring into my eyes, spilling its luminescence into my room, gentle yet so overwhelming. It is as if, its there, just for me and nobody else. Honestly, its difficult to go back to sleep again with someone as beautiful as the moon staring into you, and I dont want to go back into slumber, lest I miss out on this vision.
Its not that what I have described is a rare sight for me – no it isint, but still I dont want to miss out on that precious moment, so I ensure the curtains are wide open when I go to sleep so that the moon doesnt escape my sight. There might be nights when I dont wake up, and I dont see the moon, but the wide open curtains ensure that the moon does see me.
Its kind of makes me feel special, though its not, but it makes me feel good about the privilege I have to stare into the moon. I dont take it for granted.
But there are so many people in our lives who we take for granted. Their presence though utterly imperative, is taken for granted by us, that we do not stop by and make them feel special. Spouse, mother, father, child, friend…….. Why?
As a child I was lean and lanky. Yes, that was me. Hard to believe? Even for those who know me since childhood will not agree to it, because till about 6 years, I had bones sticking out of my body, and that made my mother get a feeling of being a failure. She fed me, and she fed me till I started being chubby and she started feeling successful in her mission of being a good mother.
And the worst part was that her pride in my chubbiness never made me feel that I was chubby at all. When I was in my teens and someone would call me chubby, I would give them “are you crazy – do you even know what chubby means” looks. I never realized it, and in all of it, and my mother always and always wailing “oh you are so pale” I lived happily in the illusion that I was perfectly fine.
In my entire life she has never ever encouraged me to loose weight, because I guess she measured her success as a mother with my weighing scale!
Once the realization dawned on me that indeed I am fat, I started accusing my mother for that, and I carried it in my heart for a long time, till one day I gave it up and accepted that she did what she felt was good for her daughter, and it is high time I stop blaming those spoonfuls of ghee and chawanprash that she got me eating up, and start blaming it on my very own love of food and hate for exercise. Once I stopped the hate feeling, I started being ok with my mom.
Dear Zindagi is a well written and well executed film. Something to ponder over. Whilst it does have a parent and child perspective, what one needs to take back from the movie is that Life is meant for a lot of things to happen. There are joys, sorrows, heartbreaks, love, lust, expectations, failures, and what nots…… As humans we experience all kinds of emotions at some or the other stages of our lives. There are more broken expectations that realization of our happy hopes. There is more pain than joy. There is more hurt than love. There is more failure than success. There is more of the wrong things than the right things. But what’s important is to forgive and move on. When we are hurt, the pain is killing. The kind of pain which tears at our heart. The kind of pain which pulls at every part of our body and comes spilling right out everywhere – where tears do no good at easing that ache.
It is important to let the pain flow out because keeping it plugged in does no good. But once the sorrow is out of your eyes and the ache is less, teach yourself to forgive. It comes hard, but it comes with practice, and once you practice it, it comes easy. I have known all kinds of people in my life. I have seen people who will never cry. Especially men. Why? You have every right to cry and crying is good. I believe that if you cry freely, you can also laugh freely. Its part of being human. So men and women – cry please.
Often the hurt that we carry only ruins our own inner peace. Nobody else, not even the person who has erred is affected, as much as the person who carries the hurt. In our lives, there are hurts we have carried over a lifetime – all for nothing. Did it ever do us any good? Never. So why are we carrying it? It would be so much easier if we just give it up. If we can, try and understand from a different perspective, but sometimes even that is not necessary. We cannot justify why someone did or did not do something. It more often better to try and not find answers to all questions, and justify all actions.
So for your own inner peace, take up one person in your lifetime, and if you are brave enough take up all those people in your lifetime, who have erred you. Write down the names on pieces of paper, take a deep breath, see if you can find a reason why they did what they did, from their point of view, not yours. If you cant find a good enough reason, just let it be. Tear off each piece of paper one by one, go stand in the balcony and blow them away. Let go of each burden of hurt that you have carried your entire life, be it people who still are a part of your existence or even if they dont belong anymore, You will feel a inexplicable lightness in your soul, and you can come back and tell me that you did.
I am quick to forgive, but yes there are a handful in my life too who I have carried for long in my book of regrets. Hanging onto the weights just makes life a tough journey. I can just say, they dont exist in my life anymore so why should I even bother doing this. But I know that some corners of my heart are still occupied by those names which make me flinch. Its high time I clear the space and give way to more people.
Do the homework. Tear yourself away from the darkness and feel the light flow inside. It is only where there is darkness that there is a purpose for light.
Free yourself – move on.